Funny Fathers Day Quotes
"Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch."
– Jon Stewart
"To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years."
– Ernest Hemingway
Read: Most Famous and rare Fathers Day quotes
"My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one."
– Woody Allen
– Jon Stewart
"To be a successful father, there's one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don't look at it for the first two years."
– Ernest Hemingway
Read: Most Famous and rare Fathers Day quotes
"My father worked for the same firm for twelve years. They fired him. They replaced him with a tiny gadget - this big - that does everything my father does, only it does it much better. The depressing thing is, my mother ran out and bought one."
– Woody Allen
"When my kids were younger, I used to avoid them. I used to sit on the toilet 'til my legs fell asleep. You want to know why your father spends so long in the toilet? Because he’s not sure he wants to be a father."
– Louis C.K.
"Lately all my friends are worried that they're turning into their fathers. I'm worried that I'm not."
– Dan Zevin
Read More: Top 10 Funny Fathers Day Pictures
"Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope."
– Bill Cosby
"My father had a profound influence on me. He was a lunatic."
– Spike MIlligan
"I want my son to wear a helmet 24 hours a day."
– Will Arnett
"I have found the best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want and then advise them to do it."
– Harry S. Truman
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"There should be a children’s song 'If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself and let your dad sleep.'"
- Jim Gaffigan
"When I was a kid, I said to my father one afternoon, 'Daddy, will you take me to the zoo?' He answered, 'If the zoo wants you, let them come and get you.'"
– Jerry Lewis
"Never raise your hand to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons
"Dad always thought laughter was the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us died of tuberculosis."
- Jack Handey
"Fathers have skills that they never use at home. You run a landscaping business and you can’t dress and feed a four-year-old? Take it on!"
– Louis C.K.
Read: Top 10 best gifts for Dads
"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof."
- Rodney Dangerfield
"By the time a man realises that maybe his father was right, he usually has a son who thinks he’s wrong."
– Charles Wadsworth
"She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon."
– Groucho Marx
"I don't have a kid, but I think that I would be a good father, especially if my baby liked to go out drinking."
– Eugene Mirman
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